What I was, I am no longer

After 22 years in the Navy, I was deployed to Baghdad to an outpost of the US Embassy there. When I returned after nearly a year, the office that I had inhabited was reassigned, my responsibility shifted to another Officer.

I was all but forgotten and therefore was unceremoniously retired without so much as a letter of thank you despite being favorably decorated and liked. When we go away, we often just disappear. Time marches on no matter our perceived significance.

What I discovered late was that I knew the resume, rarely the person. Military is especially unkind that way, where you can sum up a persons assignments, skills, and effectiveness based on a few ribbons on their chest. With a quick glance we can determine if there is a common ground upon which we may desire a conversation. A mid-grade officer without commendations signifies a great deal, as does every opposite of that statement.

In the private sector, I was a Manager with 45 or so direct reports. Those direct reports were represented by tasks, hours, actions, and protocol. There was an unspoken narrative that attrition percentages would be maintained around 20%, somewhat to keep subordinates on their toes. We were always looking to the next person to terminate for some relevant infraction of simply by culling those who are unable to escape the bottom. Even if all your employees are incredible, there is still a bottom.

So I assumed this was the way it worked upward as well. I had a mentor when I was moving from military to civilian life. He told me always to look a few steps ahead. Your job is a chess. When you look three steps ahead > bosses bosses boss... there needs to be a clear path 1) to get to that position and 2) a desire to hold the seat. So many people are busting their ass to build a resume and get promoted, only to be a step closer to deeper misery or to land the job they'd absolutely hate. So why the grind?

So with that idea in mind, I transitioned to a different department, developed some skills, and enjoyed some freedom of expression.

The ultimate mark of validation was bestowed upon me when I was poached by a different company.  It feels good to be wanted and needed, and I worked diligently with a little smirk of satisfaction. Somehow I won, I was first pick. But remember the chess analogy. I quickly learned that I didn't want it.

I was laid off along with about 120 other people via Zoom a few months into Covid. Ironically, I was a decent size cog in the wheel that allowed much of the companies support staff to operate remotely. So when Covid hit, we were largely unaffected from a connection and process standpoint. Somewhere I read that we largely work to make ourselves irrelevant, this another lesson learned.

The lay off was welcome though. There was a half a million dollar light bulb moment that demonstrated how irrelevant I really was and how internal motivation doesn't necessarily align to the corporate mechanization.

Stan McChrystal put is succinctly when he said "what I was, I was no longer." We can hardly imagine transforming to something that we've never seen, but that happens like it or not.

I had listened to the narrative of others who told me what I'm good at, what I like, where I fit in, and where I would not succeed.

Without knowing how to set barriers, to stand my own ground, I consistently found myself in positions where I was good at what I did from a competence and proficiency aspect. I was tenaciously loyal, to a fault. Work mattered, it was my identity, my value, and my worth. Without question. I know that now. I flocked to places and relationships where I was wanted and needed and I lost every bit of myself in the process.

What I ended up was a realization that I was a product of crowd-sourced acceptance. What I wore, how I talked, how I showed up, how much I drank, a complete puppet of a person that wasn't me.

So I traded.

I moved from my spouse to our vacation property 4 states away.

I started a job where the company was on the brink of collapse.

And I dug in in every way.

I felt that people needed me "to-do"

Now I am sought out for my expertise and knowledge.

Career mentor

Club President

Construction advisor

Business guide

I like to talk, I like to be needed, I know my value.

I have changed.