What is my center?

I have a history of failed and feigned interests and relationships that lead me down the road of uncertainty. I've used others lenses to shape my own opinion, so I question even my own preferences. 

I go balls to the walls, become an expert and a passionate participant, then walk away without a second thought. In some ways I like that I can be passionate and learn new skills without feeling like everything needs to be a life long pursuit. That has certainly helped me from a career perspective. I've done a lot and I know a lot,  but I don't have that "thing" that I see so many other people have.  I'm CEO of a small company, and not sure I even care. With absolute clarity, I can envision both evicting the owner seizing control of the company, or walking away without a word. Equally clear in my minds eye.

I'm never really sure of my place. Although I seem to fit into just about every crowd I join, I still feel like I'm an imposter of myself. Not wanting to stir up any conflict, I placed no boundaries with friends, employers, my wife of 32 years, or my 23 year old estranged son.  The impact of that is becoming evident to me now.

At 53 I find myself at the onramp to divorce, my own doing and likely the result of the aforementioned lack of boundaries and lack of personal emotional depth.

At this point, I'm not sure if I'm lost somehow or if I'm planted exactly where I need to be. New relationships are forming and I'm energized where I am. What I really need to understand, and looking to clarify, is my personal meaning TODAY. I need to strip away walking through life under someone else's body of expectation, figure out which "me" is the real one that has meaning and the me that can offer depth.

when we hold on to things

This morning, it was a bit of an Epiphany. I realize that the reason I don't get rid of things, especially extra things, is because I want to be able to say yes. Just this week when my parents were in town, my mother asked me if I had an extra hat she could wear. "Of course," replied. The fact of the matter is I have several. All around on racks and shelves, in my car, on my golf bag. There is a golf hat, a tennis hat, a waterproof hat, a hiking hat, there are others. When it comes time to pare down and reduce, i can always see this future need of the thing, that if given up today, would lead to regret tomorrow. You never know when you would need one for a guest or whatever reason you can justify.

In the case of the hat, I've been asked exactly once in 5 years if I had an extra hat. I should note that  I have a favorite hat, one that has meaning to me and is the only one I regularly wear.

We want to be able to say "yes." To be agreeable and  helpful. But the expense is hundreds on dollars and periodic anxiety about having too many things. 

and in the case of my mother, I want to say yes.

Look at the bigger scenario. As a realtor, I am approached by people who "need" the extra bedroom in case they have guests.

One could argue that saving $75,000 on a mortage would but a lot of nights at the Marriott for the in-laws but I digress.

How many items (people, too) do we keep around, just in case?

What I was, I am no longer

After 22 years in the Navy, I was deployed to Baghdad to an outpost of the US Embassy there. When I returned after nearly a year, the office that I had inhabited was reassigned, my responsibility shifted to another Officer.

I was all but forgotten and therefore was unceremoniously retired without so much as a letter of thank you despite being favorably decorated and liked. When we go away, we often just disappear. Time marches on no matter our perceived significance.

What I discovered late was that I knew the resume, rarely the person. Military is especially unkind that way, where you can sum up a persons assignments, skills, and effectiveness based on a few ribbons on their chest. With a quick glance we can determine if there is a common ground upon which we may desire a conversation. A mid-grade officer without commendations signifies a great deal, as does every opposite of that statement.

In the private sector, I was a Manager with 45 or so direct reports. Those direct reports were represented by tasks, hours, actions, and protocol. There was an unspoken narrative that attrition percentages would be maintained around 20%, somewhat to keep subordinates on their toes. We were always looking to the next person to terminate for some relevant infraction of simply by culling those who are unable to escape the bottom. Even if all your employees are incredible, there is still a bottom.

So I assumed this was the way it worked upward as well. I had a mentor when I was moving from military to civilian life. He told me always to look a few steps ahead. Your job is a chess. When you look three steps ahead > bosses bosses boss... there needs to be a clear path 1) to get to that position and 2) a desire to hold the seat. So many people are busting their ass to build a resume and get promoted, only to be a step closer to deeper misery or to land the job they'd absolutely hate. So why the grind?

So with that idea in mind, I transitioned to a different department, developed some skills, and enjoyed some freedom of expression.

The ultimate mark of validation was bestowed upon me when I was poached by a different company.  It feels good to be wanted and needed, and I worked diligently with a little smirk of satisfaction. Somehow I won, I was first pick. But remember the chess analogy. I quickly learned that I didn't want it.

I was laid off along with about 120 other people via Zoom a few months into Covid. Ironically, I was a decent size cog in the wheel that allowed much of the companies support staff to operate remotely. So when Covid hit, we were largely unaffected from a connection and process standpoint. Somewhere I read that we largely work to make ourselves irrelevant, this another lesson learned.

The lay off was welcome though. There was a half a million dollar light bulb moment that demonstrated how irrelevant I really was and how internal motivation doesn't necessarily align to the corporate mechanization.

Stan McChrystal put is succinctly when he said "what I was, I was no longer." We can hardly imagine transforming to something that we've never seen, but that happens like it or not.

I had listened to the narrative of others who told me what I'm good at, what I like, where I fit in, and where I would not succeed.

Without knowing how to set barriers, to stand my own ground, I consistently found myself in positions where I was good at what I did from a competence and proficiency aspect. I was tenaciously loyal, to a fault. Work mattered, it was my identity, my value, and my worth. Without question. I know that now. I flocked to places and relationships where I was wanted and needed and I lost every bit of myself in the process.

What I ended up was a realization that I was a product of crowd-sourced acceptance. What I wore, how I talked, how I showed up, how much I drank, a complete puppet of a person that wasn't me.

So I traded.

I moved from my spouse to our vacation property 4 states away.

I started a job where the company was on the brink of collapse.

And I dug in in every way.

I felt that people needed me "to-do"

Now I am sought out for my expertise and knowledge.

Career mentor

Club President

Construction advisor

Business guide

I like to talk, I like to be needed, I know my value.

I have changed.

How much are you going to carry?

Imagine a container. It may look like a jar, a box, a barrel, or a house. Whatever comes to your mind is appropriate, shape or material is not relevant. This is your container; it can be big or small.   

There are characteristics of your container.

It has a size. The size of the container limits what can be contained within. 

The container has volume, space that items and ideas can occupy. Only 100% of its space may be occupied.

It has displacement, only so much heaviness can be placed within or its ability to hold will be compromised.

It has weight; either partially of completely full, it will be heavy or light.

Do you have the picture?

What is in that container? Hope, dreams, success, failure, debt, goals, cars, money, relationships, regret, the list is never ending. Put everything in the container and look at it. Now pick it up and carry it everywhere you go.

I suggest that at one time you could pick it up and carry it without much thought. But then you added things to it. It got heavy and cumbersome. You needed more space, so you got a bigger container. You may have put the old container within the new one and continued adding over time.

Then it got too heavy. Can you remember when it got so heavy that you couldn’t hold it by yourself anymore? What did you do?

This is of course a metaphor for the weight of your life, the mental heaviness that you carry around. Has debt or relationship mistakes made your container so heavy and full that you just can’t carry any happiness or sense of freedom inside?

Can you empty some of the items? How can you make it lighter?  Can you unload some of what no longer serves you? Can you make a change so that what keeps filling the container is valuable and helpful toward your goals?

I want to help you unload this container so that you can walk lighter, to go farther, and to reduce the weight you feel just by living every day. Schedule a time with me, let’s identify those items that no longer serve you and replenish your container with hope and prosperity.

ONE LAST THING TO DO

I was thinking about something, you could call it a break through.

It's about the final nail in the final step. The final period on the communication. The last couple touch-ups of paint. The end of the process that signifies, "I'm done." Hitting send.

Looking around my life, I’m seeing a lot instances where I simply haven't completed. On some level, I believe putting the final step is opening myself to criticism or judgement. When I complete the process, I must accept someone else’s opinion of whether it was a good idea or a bad idea, a good decision or a bad decision, a skilled process or a hack. I know this about myself, my partner knows this about me.

But through a conversation with one of my employees, I realize that I operate like this in almost everything I do. My browser always has open tabs or an unsent emails. If the tabs are still open, if we are still in draft, there is still something to do or read or add. I will finish it later. There's no finality or completion, it’s simply activity. Instead I may derive some satisfaction in absorbing another action, a feeling of progress by opening another tab or job or project or assignment. The significance is busy over effective. Nothing gets complete.

Imagine a class assignment without a due date. How long does it take you to finish it? This assignment won't be graded either. How much effort do you put into it? An assignment with no due date is never turned in, therefore we never get the grade. There is never an account of the quality of the product. Never turned in means you never have to reconcile someone’s opinion of your effort. What is your time and effort budget to get this done? I can answer that, none. This is a huge problem for self-conscious approval seekers.

Conversely, imagine a scenario that no matter how profound your product, it was scorned and downvoted across the board. Where is your motivation?

A project that's a work in progress for a year always has the backup story. Of course it isn’t as good as it should be, IT’S NOT DONE! No matter what you say, I have a defense that is correct 100% of the time.

Hitting send or sinking that last nail scares the shit out of me. Because then my effort is up to be judged.

How would I be in the world if I did not fear judgement?

What if I wasn’t considering the opinion of worthiness from others?

What good  is it to know these things and yet never complete? There is always some guidance that you need to put into place in order for your change to take effect.

What is the discomfort in your own life that you attribute to its incompleteness?

What are you not completing fully, to avoid judgement?

Book time with me now, let’s drill down and determine your fail to finish.

your stereotype doesn’t work on me

There are details you simply do not need to know right out of the gate.

I could say that I’m a Divorced Presbyterian Democrat Vegan from the Pacific Northwest and you may think you know me. Btw, I’m none of these.

I often comment that stereotypes are great time savers. Not all are correct, but stereotype exists for a reason. We can make some reasonable assumptions about a person based on characteristics, features, dress, style, and the like. None of these assumptions are totally accurate. I’m reminded of a recent brief encounter at the beach where I jokingly said I have a kayak and a Subaru (I don’t) but it sparked a fun conversation.

Where I have trouble though is when the stereotype is the canvas from which people feel that they know me.

I battle the stereotypes of people like me to the point that I simply made it a practice to hide my past experience until is was necessary. I am not ashamed of my career, the people I worked with, or the system that I engaged with. Frankly, I have a pretty good fall back system that many people do not have. My career afforded my many opportunities that I otherwise would have not been able to experience.

Just try to consider this narrative when I speak to a new physician or counselor. “I spent 23 years in the military and my last tour was in Baghdad. I’m service disabled, but I have it under control.”

The first thing that comes up is PTSD and I’m asked the suicide questions.

Even where I spend most of my time, work, I don’t really like to talk about my current role or my career because I have so many interests. What I do is very little of what is me.

Who do you vote for? Who do you pray to? Who do you sleep with? Married? Kids?

No matter the answer, I don’t believe characteristics are entirely indicative of the character.

The way you get to know me is to spend time with me.

To be known, we need to be present and not fear an opinion. Only one opinion matters.

If you need to move past limiting beliefs, past the appearance of the layer that everyone sees, you will find no judgement or preconceived perceptions from me.

Work with me, I will guide you from the stereotypes that hold you back.

You have a conscience and a breathing will for security in relationship and being. That is where we will start.

the work makes the change

In order to change, we must do the work. That's it.  Whatever it is that needs to be different; career, money, relationship, spiritual wellness, physical health, or training your dog.

We need to take responsibility for the most terrible aspects of our situation if we ever hope to change them. Weight, money, relationship, all of them are held behind the vale of shame. We control the shame.

I'm reading Ken Colman's From Paycheck to Purpose about making a career change from something that you must do to something you want to do. A paradigm shift for many. As I read the chapter, I take mental notes but nothing happens. Each chapter ends with an assignment, the authors says "now do this..." something that requires action. 

Since I'm not putting in the effort, nothing is changing. My career is no different now than it was months before.

So many of us are like that, subscribing to some influencer, author, or expert and hoping that their distilled knowledge will somehow change us just by reading a book or listening to a podcast. The painful truth of the matter is that in order for that information to change our lives, we must invest the extra time and put in the effort.

Buying a budget software is not enough to change your financial outlook.

Reading a self-help book does not change your relationship.

What good  is it to have a therapist, a coach, an advisor if the only action you take is attending the meeting? There is always some guidance that you need to put into place in order for the change to take effect.

Schedule a time with me to change your outlook. My guidance and accountability tools will motivate you to do the work.

the aston and the AVOCADO

I have faced the fact that I am pretty low on the financial pecking order in my community. When I go the the grocery store and park next a Rolls Royce SUV with a starting MSRP of around $325k, its clear me that that guy makes more money than me. Whatever, I really don’t care.

Cars are often used to symbolize status, prestige, success, happiness, and a live well lived. Instagram influencers pose next to exotics and tell you how in just 3 easy steps, you too can be a motor mogul. Somehow, driving a supercar absolves you of life problems. Some work their entire lives so they can walk in to a dealer and buy whatever they want. After a life of work and sacrifice, their problems are over, they have their dream.

I see this Aston Martin DB8 at my local Publix Supermarket a couple times a month, usually when I’m needing ice cream. Such a pretty car, deep cobalt blue with stainless steel roof. I imagine owning that machine, I’d be happy if I had that. Maybe he is too, maybe he’s miserable.

The guy in the Aston Martin got me thinking one day, his problems are just like everyone else’s....

The Aston Martin doesn't save him from forgetting to bring home an avocado on his way home from work.

He gets to the supermarket really fast maybe. That could be fun I suppose, but still frustrating; a first world problem indeed.

I don’t know. I see people driving to work at 6am in high dollar cars, looking just as miserable as everyone else driving to give their service to the man. Others pulling to the “aesthetic wellness center” trying to alter their face, spending unfathomable amounts of money to be satisfied with themselves.

I’m not hating on these machines or the people who have sacrificed to own them. Every day I see Ferrari, Bently, Rolls Royce, Range Rover, and McLaren. These are beautiful machines, and I enjoy being exposed to them. But expensive cars (or watches, or homes, or boats) don’t show the world anything about what its like to be here on this earth. Everyone has the same basic problems.

We all carry the weight of our past, some secrets, or just plain dissatisfaction in our place in the world. Doing the work is hard, really hard. Buying something doesn’t erase our tough memories. There is only one option, do the work.

I’d still like to drive that Aston Martin while I work on my own personal storm. One day I want to meet that guy.

youth and wisdom

Rumi said “Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise so I am changing myself.”

Take a moment to recognize how true this statement is. For many years I have used the narrative that there is a battle and synergy between youth and wisdom. Rumi stated it more succinctly in his words.

damned if i don’t like to talk

My mentor tells me that if I’d focus, I’d be a venerable powerhouse of influence and success.

I counter by telling him that I understand so many things conceptually, that I can move to the next idea in an instant. It’s not that I can’t focus, it’s that I understand completely very quickly. A speed of thought is what he doesn’t understand.

Just because I can talk in depth about a myriad of seemingly unrelated topics, does not mean that there are not relations to be made.